Thanksgiving and Me

I realized something this last weekend.  Something big.  Something huge.  Something life altering for my little universe.

Ready for it???

I. Am. Enough.  I am worthy.  And I don’t give a rats ass what anyone thinks about me.  I am sick of the drama.  I am sick of the lies.  I am sick of feeling like I am not good enough to be in someones life because the truth is? They are not good enough to be in mine.

I went to see my grandma over thanksgiving and had this huge epiphany.  I am feeling rather emotional this week and now processing it all but it is all good.  Now to get some sleep.  Oh menopause…. how you kill my sleep…

Menopause and my brain

 

I don’t know how to describe it.
That moment that I know I should know something and there is a blank spot.
I can’t even form a coherent thought.
I can’t even focus on what I should be thinking about.
I make lists.
And lists of lists.
And lists to remind me about my lists.
And yet I forget to look at any of the lists.
I wander through some days actually wondering if I am losing my mind.
Am I?
Probably not.
I am in menopause.
At the age of 34.
Kill me now.
Actually? Don’t. I want to be alive. I really do. I just hate the new me some days. Maybe that is a harsh word but it has been an emotional journey these last 8 weeks. The way I described it to my counsellor “I feel like I was one person from 0-18. Then I had a brain aneurysm and I changed. My hair colour, my eye colour, my body, my voice, my personality… all of it. Changed. And not by choice. For years after, if I saw my reflection in the mirror in the middle of the night I would actually scream because I thought there was a stranger in my house. It was awful. I finally started adjusting that person but that was only in the last 5 years. And now? I am yet another new person. My body is changing, my hormones are changing, my moods are changing and yet I can’t stop it. I didn’t choose this. But it is happening. I am now on Dawn Version 3.0″

Does that make sense? I know I am not a different person but some days? It sure feels like it. I have emotions I have never had. Silly things set me off and freak me out and I cry at the drop of a hat yet am cold when I should feel. My taste buds are even different! Figure that one out! This is what I have been dealing with for the last 8 weeks and it is a journey unlike anything I ever imagined.

I am fighting hard though.  To get through this.  To embrace this “new” me.  Some days though? It kicks my ass.  I wish I had someone whounderstood what I was going through but in reality? Not many people have lives as crazy as mine.  And for that? I am grateful.  At this point in my life, I though I would be a mom of 4 kids.  I would live in a little house in the country.  I would be happily married to my high school sweetheart.  I would have normal coloured hair.  I would work part time doing who knows what.  I would be part of mom groups and be laughing with my kids and baking cookies for bake sales.  I am happily married to my high school sweetheart but that’s about it from that list!!! I have no kids, I have weird hair, I hate baking, and I live in a little house in a HUGE city!

I guess what I am saying is that I am learning to adapt this year.  To go with the flow.  To lower my own expectations in my life.  To realize that I cannot see the bigger picture and to just embrace the life that I have been blessed with grey hair and all! Am I doing a good job of this? Some days yes! Some days no. But I am trying my hardest and that is all I can ask of myself.

Is there something in your life that is not going as “planned”? What do you do to embrace it?

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