Menopause and my brain

 

I don’t know how to describe it.
That moment that I know I should know something and there is a blank spot.
I can’t even form a coherent thought.
I can’t even focus on what I should be thinking about.
I make lists.
And lists of lists.
And lists to remind me about my lists.
And yet I forget to look at any of the lists.
I wander through some days actually wondering if I am losing my mind.
Am I?
Probably not.
I am in menopause.
At the age of 34.
Kill me now.
Actually? Don’t. I want to be alive. I really do. I just hate the new me some days. Maybe that is a harsh word but it has been an emotional journey these last 8 weeks. The way I described it to my counsellor “I feel like I was one person from 0-18. Then I had a brain aneurysm and I changed. My hair colour, my eye colour, my body, my voice, my personality… all of it. Changed. And not by choice. For years after, if I saw my reflection in the mirror in the middle of the night I would actually scream because I thought there was a stranger in my house. It was awful. I finally started adjusting that person but that was only in the last 5 years. And now? I am yet another new person. My body is changing, my hormones are changing, my moods are changing and yet I can’t stop it. I didn’t choose this. But it is happening. I am now on Dawn Version 3.0″

Does that make sense? I know I am not a different person but some days? It sure feels like it. I have emotions I have never had. Silly things set me off and freak me out and I cry at the drop of a hat yet am cold when I should feel. My taste buds are even different! Figure that one out! This is what I have been dealing with for the last 8 weeks and it is a journey unlike anything I ever imagined.

I am fighting hard though.  To get through this.  To embrace this “new” me.  Some days though? It kicks my ass.  I wish I had someone whounderstood what I was going through but in reality? Not many people have lives as crazy as mine.  And for that? I am grateful.  At this point in my life, I though I would be a mom of 4 kids.  I would live in a little house in the country.  I would be happily married to my high school sweetheart.  I would have normal coloured hair.  I would work part time doing who knows what.  I would be part of mom groups and be laughing with my kids and baking cookies for bake sales.  I am happily married to my high school sweetheart but that’s about it from that list!!! I have no kids, I have weird hair, I hate baking, and I live in a little house in a HUGE city!

I guess what I am saying is that I am learning to adapt this year.  To go with the flow.  To lower my own expectations in my life.  To realize that I cannot see the bigger picture and to just embrace the life that I have been blessed with grey hair and all! Am I doing a good job of this? Some days yes! Some days no. But I am trying my hardest and that is all I can ask of myself.

Is there something in your life that is not going as “planned”? What do you do to embrace it?

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Screw it and did I really???

Tidbits of my week and my insanity:

  • might have a second job.  Find out this week.  Because why not!!!
  • took a catering job for beginning of March for my church for 150 people.  5 meals worth.  Huh.
  • never see Husband.  Ever.  But drove to see him at work last night.  Don’t sleep well in hotels and I am exhausted now! But it was worth every single second.
  • I am happy.  I am breathing.  I am fully surrendering my future and my life to God and it is feeling scary as hell and amazing.
  • I was spoiled with the worst manicure and pedicure ever today!!!! I am such a bitch :) It was lovely.  Just not well done!
  • have not eaten a real meal at home in WEEKS! I nibble and deal with it.  No grocery shopping or planning for me these days
  • I was feeling crazy overwhelmed tonight so I am in my office organizing like a freak
  • I found myself watching the Bachelor this week and almost threw up.  And then kept watching.  I have lost my mind
  • booked plane tickets for a trip.  My nieces 13th birthday present! I am beyond excited!!!!!!!

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