I don’t know how to describe it.
That moment that I know I should know something and there is a blank spot.
I can’t even form a coherent thought.
I can’t even focus on what I should be thinking about.
I make lists.
And lists of lists.
And lists to remind me about my lists.
And yet I forget to look at any of the lists.
I wander through some days actually wondering if I am losing my mind.
I am in menopause.
At the age of 34.
Kill me now.
Actually? Don’t. I want to be alive. I really do. I just hate the new me some days. Maybe that is a harsh word but it has been an emotional journey these last 8 weeks. The way I described it to my counsellor “I feel like I was one person from 0-18. Then I had a brain aneurysm and I changed. My hair colour, my eye colour, my body, my voice, my personality… all of it. Changed. And not by choice. For years after, if I saw my reflection in the mirror in the middle of the night I would actually scream because I thought there was a stranger in my house. It was awful. I finally started adjusting that person but that was only in the last 5 years. And now? I am yet another new person. My body is changing, my hormones are changing, my moods are changing and yet I can’t stop it. I didn’t choose this. But it is happening. I am now on Dawn Version 3.0″
Does that make sense? I know I am not a different person but some days? It sure feels like it. I have emotions I have never had. Silly things set me off and freak me out and I cry at the drop of a hat yet am cold when I should feel. My taste buds are even different! Figure that one out! This is what I have been dealing with for the last 8 weeks and it is a journey unlike anything I ever imagined.
I am fighting hard though. To get through this. To embrace this “new” me. Some days though? It kicks my ass. I wish I had someone whounderstood what I was going through but in reality? Not many people have lives as crazy as mine. And for that? I am grateful. At this point in my life, I though I would be a mom of 4 kids. I would live in a little house in the country. I would be happily married to my high school sweetheart. I would have normal coloured hair. I would work part time doing who knows what. I would be part of mom groups and be laughing with my kids and baking cookies for bake sales. I am happily married to my high school sweetheart but that’s about it from that list!!! I have no kids, I have weird hair, I hate baking, and I live in a little house in a HUGE city!
I guess what I am saying is that I am learning to adapt this year. To go with the flow. To lower my own expectations in my life. To realize that I cannot see the bigger picture and to just embrace the life that I have been blessed with grey hair and all! Am I doing a good job of this? Some days yes! Some days no. But I am trying my hardest and that is all I can ask of myself.
Is there something in your life that is not going as “planned”? What do you do to embrace it?